Dear Dishwasher,

Did you know that you are my absolute most favorite appliance? Though you are a little *ahem* older, you still manage to get the job done and for that I am totally grateful. Every time I load or unload you I am reminded that we are now a family, a family of 4. Over the years your usage has increased significantly and you are a true testament to the fact that I am now a Mom. Your racks are mostly filled with plastic plates, plastic utensils, sippy cups and their corresponding lids. We truly are a family with small children as evidenced by your multi-colored contents. I love that with the push of a few buttons (which I now have to check every time I run you, since the girls have found them!) my dirty dishes come out sparkling clean and ready to put away.

I do have a few beefs though, and if you don’t mind, I’d like to talk to you about them. Firstly, why can’t you be there to remind me when I decide to be frugal and purchase powdered soap? The dollar or so that I save is definitely not worth the hassle of a half empty soap dispenser and soap granules on all the cutlery on the left hand side. Why can’t you whisper in my ear about your inability to totally dissolve said powder? From now on its liquid only for your reservoir my friend!

Also, it seems like you are a job that is never done. You either need to be run, loaded or unloaded and apparently you and I share a special bond since I’m the only one that has the privilege of dealing with your contents. Do you insult my husband every time he puts something in you? An electric shock maybe? I KNOW he loads you all wrong, but you need to let go of your controlling tendencies (besides, you know that I will fix it next time I put a dish in).

You have provided enjoyment for my children and they seem to think you a jungle gym to climb, and you have never once complained. Well, except that time you came unhinged from the counter but I mostly blame Anna for that.

Exhibit A:

My dearest dishwasher, thank you for being reliable, dependable and always there for me. I don’t know what I would do without you, alright well I would do all my dishes by hand, but that’s beside the point. Now, if you could just learn to unload yourself that would be great!

Yours truly,

Mar

Being a grown up sucks!

We bought our quaint little suburban townhouse almost exactly 5 years ago to the day. Which means that not only do I now own ONE of the bricks on my outside wall, it is also time to renew our mortgage. In April I began to watch the rates, and noticed that they were dropping relatively quickly. Self I said, it’s time to get on board with the new economic trends and so I started applying for a new mortgage.

My existing mortgage is with a small, francophone bank that I used to work for before becoming a permanent stay at home mom. Their rates have never really been competitive but I got a 2% reduction while I was employed by them and at the time that was a great incentive to finance my mortgage there. Not to mention that I knew my personal banker personally (ha ha!) and that I felt that since I was an employee I would get better service than anywhere else.

So, back to this Spring, I applied for two different mortgages online and was accepted for both. One had better rates, more dedicated customer service and repayment options. I decided to go with the “one”. I also called francophone bank to let them know that I was shopping around and to see what they could offer me. It came as no surprise that their rates were nowhere near as good as my first choice lender. It was with relief that I signed the acceptance of the “ones” mortgage commitment. I was guaranteed the best rate between then and June 1^st (my maturity date) and I have been happily watching the rates plummet ever since.

Fast forward to two days ago. I got a call, to head to a lawyers office to prove my identity. The “one” happens to be an online lender and so this was totally normal and expected. When I get there with my proper ID, I am told that the request has been canceled. Odd, I think, but I figure it’s an error somewhere and head home to call the “one”. Turns out that there is some obscure comment on my title registration that does not allow the “one” to take on my mortgage as easily as I had hoped. I found out on the 28^th that my mortgage transfer was not going to occur for June 1^st as planned.

To say that I was frustrated and upset is an understatement. Now I have only two options. Sign with current lender, who I feel has totally screwed me over with their lack of total disclosure at time of signing and be stuck with them for life, or pay a hefty legal fee (that will be rolled into the mortgage amount) to be able to change the title registration and thus have the “one” take over the loan, and get the best posted rates. On matter of principle, I do not like the way I was treated by my current lender and would love to “stick it to them” by taking my business elsewhere but I am not that delusional. They will not even notice my mortgage is missing. BUT on principle alone it is tempting. I must say that it’s also tempting to stay with them and resign and deal with it in another 5 years, but really that doesn’t seem like the best option. The easiest maybe, but definitely not the most efficient or proactive choice.

In the end I think we will decide to go ahead with the lawyers and get it all taken care of now. Hopefully the reduction in the rate will balance out the extra lawyers fees and at least I get to stick it to the other lender. I would love to say that my reaction to all this has been that of a calm and collected grown up but that would be a lie. I have cried, I have yelled, I have been confused and betrayed and in the end I am lost. I hope to make the right decision and while I am conscious of the fact that I should be thankful to even have a roof over my head, I could do without all these problems arising when I make every attempt to be organized and do everything in my power to have everything ready and on time.

Why can’t anything just be easy? Why can't I control everything in the world? Or at the very least in my own world? :)

Drama Magnet

Spring is a time of growth and new beginnings. The same can certainly be said about me as well. I have been doing a lot of introspection about myself, my values and the things that are important to me. I have also been looking at the ways I spend my time and how they make me feel. In the end I have decided that I need to focus my energies on more positive things. You see, for so long I have defined myself by how I can help others. I thought my goal on this earth was to help others, and be a good listener, friend, and offer advice as needed. I used to think that that brought me joy and made me feel satisfied and fulfilled.

Lately something has changed though. I have noticed that in trying to help others and be empathetic, I end up taking on much of the feelings and emotions of the people I am trying to help. These feelings stay with me sometimes for days at a time. They also take away from my ability to have fun, be happy and enjoy my own life and family. I am taking steps to try to fix this. I have ended a few friendships over the last few months that were just too drama-filled for me. I seem to be a drama magnet, I attract it like a moth to a flame.

The new me is trying to find other sources of fulfillment and being confident that I am a good person, even if I’m just doing things for myself. It is very hard for me, and makes me feel selfish but I need this right now. I want to enjoy my life and not always be bogged down by negative people or emotions. That is not to say that I will not be there for, or empathize with my friends. I will just pay more attention to how I internalize those feelings and work harder to let them go.

I am hoping that these changes will make me happier, more free and able to enjoy my life. Stay tuned for new developments!

Oh Blogging, how I've missed thee!

I just want to preface this entry by saying: I know I said that this blog was going to be more about my life and my thoughts, and not solely the family, but this is what I’m living right now. These are my thoughts, so what if they also happen to be about my family! Oh, and apparently I am the queen of run on sentences!

For the first time in a really really long time (like before I had kids), I have baby envy. I can now fully admit that I miss babies. Heck, I’d even venture as far as to say that I miss being pregnant. Part of me is afraid that I will never experience those things again. Part of me is scared to death of the thought of having another baby logistically, financially etc. But my body is betraying me.

I was folding Anna’s laundry the other night and was shocked and surprised to feel saddened that she had grown out of her pants. These sweet brown suedy soft pants with bink bows. They now hang off her butt and look like she’s waiting for a flood. It’s time to put them away. When this happened with Lea I could put them away knowing that someone else was going to wear them soon, that that was not the last time I would see them. And Anna wore them so much! I cannot believe that my baby is growing up, and so quickly. When I looked at the tag on her pants it was no wonder they didn’t fit her anymore (they were 18mth yikes!) she’s wearing mostly 2’s and some of Lea’s 3’s now! Imagine my surprise!

So yes, baby envy, as well as my own daughters growing too quickly. I want to freeze time and keep them little, at least for now. How do you know when to have expand your family or accept that things are perfect just the way they are?

*sigh*

One Year Later

Amazingly, it was almost a year ago that I moved to my own site hosted by my good friend Anji! Unfortunately life got busy, priorities changed and I abandoned my blog.

Lately there have been quite a few times where I find myself thinking "That would make a really good blog post!" and have been toying with the idea of resuming blogging.

This morning my good friend Leah shared her shiny new blog with me and I must admit I was a little envious! (Kinda like how my uterus felt when I held her precious daughter for the first time!) So I am going to bite the blogging bullet and pick it up again.

I can't guarantee that I will post with any regularity and that it will be solely about my family. In fact, I think that's where I went wrong the first time. I need an outlet for my ventings, feelings, thoughts etc. Of course there will also be random sharings about my family and maybe the odd photo ;)

If you're a longtime reader, I hope that you will stick around and thanks for remembering my name a year later!